Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sinking
I am at the very end of my rope and it is unraveling fast. I am physically exhausted. I am very short with my girls and I keep getting set off by the smallest thing and yelling at them. I hate yelling. I hate this feeling. I hate being angry with them. I feel so guilty. Each time I yell and they look back at me with eyes welling up with tears my heart sinks down into my chest and feels like it weighs so much that i can't breath. There is so much to do and I can't get it done because I have no motivation and every spare minute that the girls are awake i have to have them in my sights so that other things are not destroyed.
I keep telling myself:
The moment is as it is
What you resist will persist
It will get easier, just when?
see? I most definitely do not have it together.
I keep telling myself:
The moment is as it is
What you resist will persist
It will get easier, just when?
see? I most definitely do not have it together.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
Needs vs. Wants
I NEED to be cleaning and doing laundry
I WANT to take a nap
It would be good if I was a sleepwalker and could be cleaning and doing laundry while I was sleeping.
I WANT to take a nap
It would be good if I was a sleepwalker and could be cleaning and doing laundry while I was sleeping.
Suck It
Wow, some great discussion on the topic of nursing in public. I have this problem that I write things and then I hit publish without editting or reviewing and then like 0 secoonds later I'm like, oh geez, I should've put this in there or I shouldn't have written that or is "a lot" two words or one?
So some follow-up thoughts about what I previously wrote about:
When I said that I nursed both of my girls for over a year i didn't mean to come across as arrogant. I was just illustrating that it came easy for us and that is what allowed it to continue for that amount of time. So, although I haven't walked in your shoes, I understand that it is not that way for all women and in result there is a real need for continuing education and support. It could be the most simple problem that if provided a solution would encourage that mother to continue breast feeding.
We went to the park with my mother-in-law and some of Piper and Finley's younger aunts and uncles and I had this same discussion with her about the need for education of health care professionals in breast feeding. We concluded that really, if you don't have a lactation consultant, then you are out of luck because the OB, the pediatrician, noneof them are prepared to deal with a mother that comes in with a wailing 4 day old newborn, a shirt drenched in leaking breast milk, sobbing because she can't get her baby to eat. No doubt she feels like a failure because she cannot do what she has been forced to believe is "the best thing for her baby." My mother-in-law has nursed 11 babies and even she said after her last baby (who is 3 months older than Piper) the lactation consultant had information that she had never heard and tips that she had never used.
I ran into a friend at the fabric store on Thursday night (while Jason was at home with the girls letting them drink cough medicine) (not really, but kind of) and she has a 5 month old little boy that is her third child. She literally had tears in her eyes because she can't get her son to take a bottle and she feels trapped. She can't go anywhere wihtout the baby and is tired, really tired. And the thought of giving him a bottle makes her feel so guilty that she most definitely feels that there is no solution to this dilema. I felt somewhat the same way after having Finley. I wanted her to be breast fed and it was the most convenient thing to do, but oh, were there days that I just wanted to get out of the house and let someone else take on the responsibility of feeding her. And of course I waited too long to introduce the bottle (DANGER-NIPPLE CONFUSION, right!) that she never took a bottle or an ounce of formula or pumped breast milk (and boy did i have a freezer full).
So we are bad mothers if we don't nurse our babies and guilt ridden if we stop too early or choose to supplement so we can get a haircut and feel like a normal human. Not really fair, is it?
I wanted to highlight some of the comments i got from the previous post:
"In most countries, it is natural for a mother to breast feed her child. This country is suppose to be the most sophisticated country in the world, but we frown upon a breast. Lets get real America!"
"The AAP recommends it for the first year, and beyond. Everyone quotes them for other child-raising facts but the breastfeeding issue is even ignored by doctors. Sad!"
The lone man to comment, brave soul-
"Now, that said, it probably should be more widely accepted. I don't think we should have boobies hanging out all over the place, but a mother should have to hide or feel isolated.
Just like diaper changing stations in a men's bathroom, it is always nice to see other baby friendly areas like a "mother's lounge" specifically for breast feeding with a few really nice chairs, etc."
"It freaks me so much how can the american people react to seeing a boob in public (or televised) and do not say a word about the extremely violent scenes on TV that is tolerated."
All very good thoughts and great points of discussion. Be on the lookout for a Q&A with Jennifer Laycock of The Lactivist.
Again remember that i just hit the publish button, makes for more a dangerous risk! Ha!
So some follow-up thoughts about what I previously wrote about:
When I said that I nursed both of my girls for over a year i didn't mean to come across as arrogant. I was just illustrating that it came easy for us and that is what allowed it to continue for that amount of time. So, although I haven't walked in your shoes, I understand that it is not that way for all women and in result there is a real need for continuing education and support. It could be the most simple problem that if provided a solution would encourage that mother to continue breast feeding.
We went to the park with my mother-in-law and some of Piper and Finley's younger aunts and uncles and I had this same discussion with her about the need for education of health care professionals in breast feeding. We concluded that really, if you don't have a lactation consultant, then you are out of luck because the OB, the pediatrician, noneof them are prepared to deal with a mother that comes in with a wailing 4 day old newborn, a shirt drenched in leaking breast milk, sobbing because she can't get her baby to eat. No doubt she feels like a failure because she cannot do what she has been forced to believe is "the best thing for her baby." My mother-in-law has nursed 11 babies and even she said after her last baby (who is 3 months older than Piper) the lactation consultant had information that she had never heard and tips that she had never used.
I ran into a friend at the fabric store on Thursday night (while Jason was at home with the girls letting them drink cough medicine) (not really, but kind of) and she has a 5 month old little boy that is her third child. She literally had tears in her eyes because she can't get her son to take a bottle and she feels trapped. She can't go anywhere wihtout the baby and is tired, really tired. And the thought of giving him a bottle makes her feel so guilty that she most definitely feels that there is no solution to this dilema. I felt somewhat the same way after having Finley. I wanted her to be breast fed and it was the most convenient thing to do, but oh, were there days that I just wanted to get out of the house and let someone else take on the responsibility of feeding her. And of course I waited too long to introduce the bottle (DANGER-NIPPLE CONFUSION, right!) that she never took a bottle or an ounce of formula or pumped breast milk (and boy did i have a freezer full).
So we are bad mothers if we don't nurse our babies and guilt ridden if we stop too early or choose to supplement so we can get a haircut and feel like a normal human. Not really fair, is it?
I wanted to highlight some of the comments i got from the previous post:
"In most countries, it is natural for a mother to breast feed her child. This country is suppose to be the most sophisticated country in the world, but we frown upon a breast. Lets get real America!"
"The AAP recommends it for the first year, and beyond. Everyone quotes them for other child-raising facts but the breastfeeding issue is even ignored by doctors. Sad!"
The lone man to comment, brave soul-
"Now, that said, it probably should be more widely accepted. I don't think we should have boobies hanging out all over the place, but a mother should have to hide or feel isolated.
Just like diaper changing stations in a men's bathroom, it is always nice to see other baby friendly areas like a "mother's lounge" specifically for breast feeding with a few really nice chairs, etc."
"It freaks me so much how can the american people react to seeing a boob in public (or televised) and do not say a word about the extremely violent scenes on TV that is tolerated."
All very good thoughts and great points of discussion. Be on the lookout for a Q&A with Jennifer Laycock of The Lactivist.
Again remember that i just hit the publish button, makes for more a dangerous risk! Ha!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
boobs
Oh my goodness...
I am watching Good Morning America and they are talking about breast feeding in public andI am absolutely appalled, not by their report because they are actually supporting breast feeding in public but the commentary from the public is what is shocking. This whole report is in reponse to a magazine cover (BabyTalk) picture of a baby breast feeding and how that is so "controversial" to have that on the cover of a magazine.
57% of people DO NOT APPROVE of breast feeding in public
one woman went on to say that "it is disgusting" and "it is not moral"
moral? since when is feeding your baby not "moral"?
it was also discouraging to see the numbers on breast feeding women:
70% of women try breast feeding
36% are still nursing at 6 months
17% are still nursing at one year...17%!
Of course it isn't really surprising after hearing what people on the street were saying about breast feeding in public. There is little to no support for women to continue. 56% of women say that they stopped nuring before they wanted to quit.
Also, there was this woman who is a reporter for some newspaper in Philadelphia interviewed forthe report that had some really offensive things to say about beast feeding in public such as things like "it [public breastfeeding] is not modest and should be done in the privacy of your own home." and "I don't want to be out somewhere and see some woman take of their shirt so they can feed their baby." Take off their shirt? I don't even want to get started on that comment.
I nursed both of my girls for over a year and I'm not saying that to toot my own horn because I had it relatively easy. Both girls were excellent nursers and I had the advantage of not working (although I did work for 6 weeks after Piper was born and in that time I got about 10 minutes each day to pump in my classroom with the door locked and kindergartners pounding on the door to come in and use the bathroom, FUN!). Shorlty after Finley was born I went out to lunch with two friends (neither have children) and of course Finley was hungry and so I started to prep to nurse her and my one friend said, "oh, are you going to do that here?" I said, "oh, I'm sorry. would that offend you?" she replied, "oh, no no..." (very uncomfortably). I was at the same time thinking that we would all be A LOT more uncomfortable with a baby screaming her lungs out in the restraunt. I was not prepared for her question because i had never really had an issue before.
I guess I am a stealth nurser. Most of the time I would be nursing and people would come over to talk to me and realize what I was doing and they would become embarassed and walk away apologizing. It became quite isolating and it seems like there is less and less support for women who are trying to do what they feel is in the best interest of their child. Even my father who is a pediatrician asked me when i was going to wean Finley because she was over a year old and stil nursing. But, he's just old and doesn't now any better, but it also proves a point that the continuing education of health care professionals in this area is lacking. How great would it be for the pediatricians and nurses in their office were educated in breast feeding and technique and solutions to common problems involved with nursing? How many more new mothers (and I mean to say that every woman who has a baby is a new mother no matter if it is her 1st or 21st because each child is new experience) would continue to breast feed through common problems that cause them to stop?
It reminds meof these shirts I've seen from an internet friend of mine, Jennifer Laycock. She desings and sells pro-breast feeding t-shirts and stuff. Some of my favorites:
"Don't be lactose intolerant"
"My baby doesn't like to eat in the bathroom...do you?"
"My milkshake feeds all the kids in the yard"
"Nursing: Nature's own breast enhancement"
and for men:
"why wouldn't I want to see more breasts in public"
"I take turns"
and what's great about jennifer is that she also sells milk bank t-shirts and 100% of the profits from those shirts goes to a milk bank in ohio. Here is her blog. Check her out and wear your support.
It is so amazing to me that God so put us together so intricately that these processes are built into us to care for our children. What a wonderful creation so compex and yet so simple.
I am watching Good Morning America and they are talking about breast feeding in public andI am absolutely appalled, not by their report because they are actually supporting breast feeding in public but the commentary from the public is what is shocking. This whole report is in reponse to a magazine cover (BabyTalk) picture of a baby breast feeding and how that is so "controversial" to have that on the cover of a magazine.
57% of people DO NOT APPROVE of breast feeding in public
one woman went on to say that "it is disgusting" and "it is not moral"
moral? since when is feeding your baby not "moral"?
it was also discouraging to see the numbers on breast feeding women:
70% of women try breast feeding
36% are still nursing at 6 months
17% are still nursing at one year...17%!
Of course it isn't really surprising after hearing what people on the street were saying about breast feeding in public. There is little to no support for women to continue. 56% of women say that they stopped nuring before they wanted to quit.
Also, there was this woman who is a reporter for some newspaper in Philadelphia interviewed forthe report that had some really offensive things to say about beast feeding in public such as things like "it [public breastfeeding] is not modest and should be done in the privacy of your own home." and "I don't want to be out somewhere and see some woman take of their shirt so they can feed their baby." Take off their shirt? I don't even want to get started on that comment.
I nursed both of my girls for over a year and I'm not saying that to toot my own horn because I had it relatively easy. Both girls were excellent nursers and I had the advantage of not working (although I did work for 6 weeks after Piper was born and in that time I got about 10 minutes each day to pump in my classroom with the door locked and kindergartners pounding on the door to come in and use the bathroom, FUN!). Shorlty after Finley was born I went out to lunch with two friends (neither have children) and of course Finley was hungry and so I started to prep to nurse her and my one friend said, "oh, are you going to do that here?" I said, "oh, I'm sorry. would that offend you?" she replied, "oh, no no..." (very uncomfortably). I was at the same time thinking that we would all be A LOT more uncomfortable with a baby screaming her lungs out in the restraunt. I was not prepared for her question because i had never really had an issue before.
I guess I am a stealth nurser. Most of the time I would be nursing and people would come over to talk to me and realize what I was doing and they would become embarassed and walk away apologizing. It became quite isolating and it seems like there is less and less support for women who are trying to do what they feel is in the best interest of their child. Even my father who is a pediatrician asked me when i was going to wean Finley because she was over a year old and stil nursing. But, he's just old and doesn't now any better, but it also proves a point that the continuing education of health care professionals in this area is lacking. How great would it be for the pediatricians and nurses in their office were educated in breast feeding and technique and solutions to common problems involved with nursing? How many more new mothers (and I mean to say that every woman who has a baby is a new mother no matter if it is her 1st or 21st because each child is new experience) would continue to breast feed through common problems that cause them to stop?
It reminds meof these shirts I've seen from an internet friend of mine, Jennifer Laycock. She desings and sells pro-breast feeding t-shirts and stuff. Some of my favorites:
"Don't be lactose intolerant"
"My baby doesn't like to eat in the bathroom...do you?"
"My milkshake feeds all the kids in the yard"
"Nursing: Nature's own breast enhancement"
and for men:
"why wouldn't I want to see more breasts in public"
"I take turns"
and what's great about jennifer is that she also sells milk bank t-shirts and 100% of the profits from those shirts goes to a milk bank in ohio. Here is her blog. Check her out and wear your support.
It is so amazing to me that God so put us together so intricately that these processes are built into us to care for our children. What a wonderful creation so compex and yet so simple.
Friday, July 07, 2006
20 months
I usually only write a post like this on their half birthdays, but Finley has been such a joy lately that I wanted to get something down so i don't forget them:
Finley the Destroyer...you are living up to your name. You quite possibly may be the messiest, gooeyest, stickiest baby I have ever met. There isn't a piece of any kindof food that doesn't end up smeared and embedded in all parts of your body. You insist on feeding yourself and we are left to clean up the aftermath. I love to watch you smash things up in your hands with that expression of, "Yes, I will conquer you tiny morsel of food!"
People are always commenting on how smart you are and so verbal. I read somewhere recently that people are shaped most by your siblings and you definitely get the talking all the time thing from your sister. You two play so well together now with only a few minor squabbles and you look up to Piper and try to do whatever she does because "if Piper can do it, I can do it." Whatever it is you accomplish, you feeling of pride show all over your face in a wide smile and an exuberant, "I DID IT!" I love that...don't ever lose that spirit of perseverence and accomplishment. So many girls have self esteem problems and i hope that we are teaching you that you indeed can do it and we'll help you if you ever find yourself in a place of need.
You and i were in the fabric store the other day and we were checking out when you finished your drink. You kept smiling at me and the woman in line behind us and talking to her and flirting. You looked at me and thrust your sippy cup in my direction and said, "MORE!"
The cashier looked at you and said, "Can you say, 'More, Please?'"? And then went on to say how that "please" was the first word of both of her children and how they would be out in public and her children would say pkease and everyone would ooo and ahhh and pee in their pants they were so impressed and yada yada yada.
Again she looks at you and repeats (because apparently because you are a baby, that makes you deaf) "Can you say 'More, Please?'"?
You look at me giving me that coy sheepish little smile that I understand and you look at her and and change that smile into another kind of sweet syrupy smile and with eyes bright you thrust your cup at her and yell,
"CHEERS!"
That's my girl.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
I did not crash into a tree
I was a little nervous the day before we left for our little vacation without the girls to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. 1.) Both Finley and Piper had fevers left over from vacation Bible school the week before where people were bringing their children who were THROWING UP to the childcare and leaving them there and bringing them back after not even 24 hours of not THROWING UP. It would be nice for us to be involved in some activity with other people and not end up with some sort of virus. And b.) For some reason I was nervous that Jason and I would have nothing to talk about. I mean, it has been 5 years and what if we had nothing left to say to each other and we just ended up looking at each other and shifting around in our seats in that uncomfortable awkward silence? At least it would be quiet I guess. I was really getting anxious about not making the most of this little getaway, not having fun, setting my expectations too high, you know all around stressing out over really stupid things.
I asked Jason if he had any of these fears and he laughed at me.
We stayed in Orlando the first night because the B&B we were going to didn't have a vacancy that night. We dropped the feverish girls at my parents where they kicked us out the door. Seriously, the girls were so incredibly excited that I felt bad that they weren't crying and adhereing themselves to my legs like anchors not letting me get out the door. I was missing them before we backed out of the driveway.
It's weird how I was so ready for a break from the mommy thing but as soon as I shut the door of the car to drive away, I wanted them back. It's just great how you can never win...You feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when your taking care of them and you feel guilty leaving them behind to go have fun with your husband. I just love them so much and I hate it when i catch myself complaining about our day-to-day routine, but that is a topic for another post.
Anyway, Orlando night #1 - we had dinner with my best friend from high school and her husband because they live in Orlando. They also closed on a new house that very same day, so we got a tour of their beautiful new home that I hope will soon be filled witht he pitter-patter. We were really tired and had talked about going out later that night but decided to instead go back to our hotel which was really cozy and comfortable.
The next day found us shopping a bit before heading up to Amelia Island which is just north of Jacksonville. The trip was good and we hadn't yet run out of things to talk about. I called to check on the girls (since they were sick, you know...not because I was missing them so much I htought my heart was going to explode) and they were ok. Poor bug was sicker and birdie was feeling better.
After getting lost,we finally found our B&B, The Elizabeth Pointe Lodge.
It is right on the beach and has a beautiful porch on the back where we had a glass of wine (Jason had a beer) and jut let it soak in. It was so. incredibly. quiet. It was hard to just sit and realx and let it be quiet.
After settling into our room, we decided to go into the historic downtown to find a place for dinner. Walking along we happened upon a corner that was busy with people and decided that this would be a great place for our dinner. Jason had mint chocolate chip and i had double fudge brownie because the numer one rule for vacations is that #1 - You must eat ice cream for dinner a minimum of one time and with no limitations on the number of times or meals. (does that make sense?)
The rest of the vacation was a blur of the beach and lots of food, some good, some HORRIBLE and more ice cream and some other unmentionable activities. When I told people before we left that we were going ona vacation alone many of them asked in return - "oooo, are you going to have an announcement of some kind when you get back?" the answer is "NO!"
One highlight of the trip was our segway tour. There were six of us including 2 guides. They took us through Fort George Island Cultural State Park and Kingsley Plantation. They were very well educated on the vegetation and wildlife and the platation history as well.
I was extremely anxious about this segway thing. I do not have a good record with any kind of personal motorized anything so I was hesitant to say the least. My last encounter with a motorized thing was a scooter which I immediately drove right into a tree and that was probably 10 years ago. But the segway was different. it uses your own body to make it go and it was really cool although I looked like a total dork.
The day we were set to go home, I was totally ready. I can't say that I caught up on any sleep but I did get a tan and jason and I had plenty to talk about so I could fill up that silence that was bugging me. Funny how a lot of the time at home I just want 2 seconds of quiet, but away from it all i can't stand to hear nothing. My fears of us being totally boring people were unfounded and I did discover that I love him so much more and I'm glad he's my best friend because we really have great fun together andi do believe that we are better together than we would be apart.
I asked Jason if he had any of these fears and he laughed at me.
We stayed in Orlando the first night because the B&B we were going to didn't have a vacancy that night. We dropped the feverish girls at my parents where they kicked us out the door. Seriously, the girls were so incredibly excited that I felt bad that they weren't crying and adhereing themselves to my legs like anchors not letting me get out the door. I was missing them before we backed out of the driveway.
It's weird how I was so ready for a break from the mommy thing but as soon as I shut the door of the car to drive away, I wanted them back. It's just great how you can never win...You feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when your taking care of them and you feel guilty leaving them behind to go have fun with your husband. I just love them so much and I hate it when i catch myself complaining about our day-to-day routine, but that is a topic for another post.
Anyway, Orlando night #1 - we had dinner with my best friend from high school and her husband because they live in Orlando. They also closed on a new house that very same day, so we got a tour of their beautiful new home that I hope will soon be filled witht he pitter-patter. We were really tired and had talked about going out later that night but decided to instead go back to our hotel which was really cozy and comfortable.
The next day found us shopping a bit before heading up to Amelia Island which is just north of Jacksonville. The trip was good and we hadn't yet run out of things to talk about. I called to check on the girls (since they were sick, you know...not because I was missing them so much I htought my heart was going to explode) and they were ok. Poor bug was sicker and birdie was feeling better.
After getting lost,we finally found our B&B, The Elizabeth Pointe Lodge.
It is right on the beach and has a beautiful porch on the back where we had a glass of wine (Jason had a beer) and jut let it soak in. It was so. incredibly. quiet. It was hard to just sit and realx and let it be quiet.
After settling into our room, we decided to go into the historic downtown to find a place for dinner. Walking along we happened upon a corner that was busy with people and decided that this would be a great place for our dinner. Jason had mint chocolate chip and i had double fudge brownie because the numer one rule for vacations is that #1 - You must eat ice cream for dinner a minimum of one time and with no limitations on the number of times or meals. (does that make sense?)
The rest of the vacation was a blur of the beach and lots of food, some good, some HORRIBLE and more ice cream and some other unmentionable activities. When I told people before we left that we were going ona vacation alone many of them asked in return - "oooo, are you going to have an announcement of some kind when you get back?" the answer is "NO!"
One highlight of the trip was our segway tour. There were six of us including 2 guides. They took us through Fort George Island Cultural State Park and Kingsley Plantation. They were very well educated on the vegetation and wildlife and the platation history as well.
I was extremely anxious about this segway thing. I do not have a good record with any kind of personal motorized anything so I was hesitant to say the least. My last encounter with a motorized thing was a scooter which I immediately drove right into a tree and that was probably 10 years ago. But the segway was different. it uses your own body to make it go and it was really cool although I looked like a total dork.
The day we were set to go home, I was totally ready. I can't say that I caught up on any sleep but I did get a tan and jason and I had plenty to talk about so I could fill up that silence that was bugging me. Funny how a lot of the time at home I just want 2 seconds of quiet, but away from it all i can't stand to hear nothing. My fears of us being totally boring people were unfounded and I did discover that I love him so much more and I'm glad he's my best friend because we really have great fun together andi do believe that we are better together than we would be apart.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
the 4th
Hope you had a fun, relaxing holiday yesterday. We spent the day at the beach and then watching a beautiful launch, swimming and dinner with my family followed by playing outside while it got dark, wathcing the sun sink, and then the fireworks.
We watched the firewroks from my parent house on the river. It is really beautiful and I love watching them there because there is a beautiful reflection in the water.
It was a perfect day.
We watched the firewroks from my parent house on the river. It is really beautiful and I love watching them there because there is a beautiful reflection in the water.
It was a perfect day.
Monday, July 03, 2006
new pictures
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